I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize