cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
