Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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