Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
sex in a hospital.. check
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
