I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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