I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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