it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize