bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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