I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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