I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
