Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
