Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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