Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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