which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
