do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
