My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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