You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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