Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
