my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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