is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
