her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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