i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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