Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
