I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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