I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
