Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
