HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
