Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the condom got lost in my hair
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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