He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
