I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
