Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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