I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
