I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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