she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
