I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
