We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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