I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize