i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
