She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
