he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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