i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
