Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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