life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
