I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
