I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
