he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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