She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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