I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
