omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
