I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
