Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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