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first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
