glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize