I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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