You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
