my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think I just sharted jello shots
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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