if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize