it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
