Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
