I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
