who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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