wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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