Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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