I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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