Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
