i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
