you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize